A Ex-Porn Star of Mars

And speaking of bad fantasy (read below), my buddy the King of Ink sent me some links (here and here) to an article about Asylum’s newest bastardization, this time of my beloved John Carter of Mars series.

John Carter, his mom, and an alien. Er wait....

Now, normally I have nothing against Asylum.  My old roomate The Mayor had a special place in his black heart set aside full of ire and hatred for these guys and we would argue often, him decrying them as worthless hacks and me defending them as simply cheap film makers getting by and simply riding the coattails of already bad blockbuster shit like ‘Transformers’.  But then they crossed the line.

I mean, at least he has tusks, right?

Now we’ve already been over how excited I am for the Pixar live-action adaptation of the Edgar Rice Burrough’s series so I won’t bore you with repetition.  But like a vulture waiting for the dying man to crawl the extra couple feet towards it before plucking his eyes out, Asylum descended and made their own adaptation of the first book “A Princess of Mars”.  Now I haven’t seen it yet, but the painful choice of casting ex-porn star and techno-queen Traci Lords as the Barsoomian princess Dejah Thoris is a huge red (heh) flag.  Well past her prime (sorry Traci, I normally wouldn’t be so harsh, but I’m being an ultra geeky shithead for just one moment), I figure that’s a pretty silly choice.  And she’s not even remotely red.

Look?! So easy a fucking toddler can have multiple arms!


And the Tharks? I’ve included a pic of their version, complete with, wait… 2 arms? You cheap bastards could have at least just attached a fake plastic set connected with cables to the man’s real arms. I mean really, is your audience going to care that the effect is that bad? Is the rest of the movie really going to be any better?

Oh and lest we forget, they’ve apparently updated the tale, removing the back story of John Carter being a Civil War era southern soldier who has lost his heart for the war on Earth, but finds a new cause to swashbuckle and blast his way through in the form of the love of his life, the princess of mars. And replacing it? A U.S. soldier fighting in the middle east? Last time I checked swordplay was not part of the standard military training, so I can only assume that the great sword duels from the books will be completely tossed out.

Bah, I need to breathe. I usually try and make it a point not to criticize movies before I see them, it’s one of those things that my fellow trolls out on the internets do that drives me batty. But I just couldn’t sit by while the very first adaption of the series to film ever was sodomized without at least saying something.

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3 Responses to “A Ex-Porn Star of Mars”

  1. I know you wouldn’t disappoint me.

  2. Christ, I meant to say “knew” — as in “I knew I picked a bad time to stop sniffing glue.”

  3. Oh no…
    they didn’t…

    Please tell me they didn’t present tharks and warhoons with only two arms.
    Oh the humanity.

    One of the greatest fantasy fiction epics of all time and it got schlocked. ERB must look like a table leg on a lathe in his grave right now. It would have been better if they had a real porn star and did something a la Whorelore. At least we would be accomplishing something this year.

    This is simply a damn shame

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